That seems like a common enough phrase in a relationship. The reason being, of course, we tend to date people that remind us of those that we grew up with and -- even more so -- were raised by. It's very common and even played off of in regular sitcoms. Men to tend to lean toward women who, even on a subconscious level, remind them of their mothers. Likewise, women tend to lean toward men who remind them of strong male role models in their lives.
However, as much as they may love the women in their lives, old habits of dealing with family conflict become too apparent.
My last boyfriend was the oldest in his family and was constantly begged for attention by his younger siblings. The only way to focus on things he needed to get done under the circumstances were to build up a defense that blocked them out. It wasn't on purpose, but he adapted to his environment and blocked out surrounding noise that may keep him from concentrating on the task at hand.
15 years later, enter moi. We were best friends and truly, completely in love. We were open and honest with each other and communicated very smoothly aside from one major flaw. If he was doing anything that required any small ounce of concentration, even if it was trying to find a document on his computer, I was muted. If I needed something for him or had a question for him, it didn't even hit his ears. The biggest struggle was when he tried to multitask while on the phone with me; I would have a 5 minute conversation by myself and then receive no response on the other end whatsoever. Thanks to his honesty, he had no problem admitting he didn't hear a word of my monologue, but that didn't make me feel any more important. Clearly what he was doing was more interesting than what I had to say. And it was frequent. It's not an entire shock that we didn't last.
Recently, I began seeing someone new. He loves his mother dearly, but they, too, have their own communication issues. She talks more than he prefers to listen. And, apparently, I occasionally do as well. When I go off on a tangent (hey, a girl's gotta vent), I eventually realize he's not with me anymore. Unlike the ex, however, he doesn't simply admit he wasn't paying attention. No, he moves right on to the next subject like he's spent the time I was talking thinking of the next thing he wanted to discuss.
I used to take it personally. I assumed if they weren't listening, I wasn't saying things they cared about. It hurt, because I often felt like the things that came out of my mouth weren't important or interesting enough. This only built on a complex I already struggled with about not being smart enough for the more educated men I tend to find myself with.
But it's not. Listen up, ladies: this is not personal. It's ingrained in their being. It's how they were raised and the defense mechanisms they built into their thought processes as soon as they were old enough to decide what was unpleasant and annoying in their environments. For the rest of their lives, anything that even remotely reminds them of those unpleasantries will cause them to default to those child-like defenses. They're not even aware it's happening (I like to convince myself, anyway).
Hey, I won't even be sexist. We've all got those subconscious habits. Women also do things we're not aware of based on habits we formed in our earlier years, so don't think you're off the hook. Try to be aware of them, though. And if you draw attention to your partner's as well, that's the first step to improving communication. And as we all know, communication is key.
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