Bitter, sarcastic bitch.

"You're awfully sarcastic tonight," he says and tries to look jokingly wounded but I know he's really not pleased with me.
"Sorry," I respond. I know when he says that I've crossed a line. He says "sarcastic," but I'm fully aware that's code for "a bitch." I tell him I can't help it, which is kind of true. I feel terrible, but I can't tell him why I'm really doing it.

It's always been a bit of a habit of mine, but I wasn't always really a bitch. It's grown into that over time. I've been taught to be a bitch by the guys who listen to me lay all my cards out and give me nothing in return. So I don't owe you assholes anything.


Bitter? Yeah, you could say that. I don't want to be this way (especially so young), but I've had to harden myself over the past 5 years.

When I fell for my first true love -- and he shot me down twice before we finally got together on his terms -- I realized I needed to back off. I didn't want him to know I cared as much as I did because that was clearly pushing him away. Instead, I tried to act as aloof as I could manage and keep things light. I let him take the lead in everything and no longer told him what I was really thinking unless he did first.

It didn't last long. Once we fell (equally) in love, I let all my walls down. You can do that in a relationship and it's fine. When we broke up and went back to being FWB, I forgot to put my walls back up right away. I wanted to be honest. Guys want a girl who is open and honest, confident, and doesn't play games. I want to be that girl. But he was equally honest, not wanting to say anything he didn't really mean.

Over the past 5 years since we broke up, I've continued to do my best. I mean, someone has to be straightforward and I don't have time for games. I always wish guys would just say what's on their minds, but they don't. So I will. But as much as guys walk around saying, "Ugh, why are girls so cryptic?" they really just mean, "Why can't the girl I like look at me and tell me she likes me, too?" But I guess I'm not the girl they like.

You want to know why I can be a sarcastic bitch? It's because I like you and it's the only alternative I know to laying out my feelings and having you not return them.

It's because whenever I've said, "I miss you," I get something along the lines of, "I know you do!" in return.
It's because whenever I've said, "We should go out sometime!" I get back, "Yeah, totally!" and then never hear from them again.
It's because whenever I've said, "That was amazing," I get back, "You're welcome."

I can handle a guy rejecting me, but guy after guy after guy for the past 5 years is fucking exhausting. So yes, I have walls. And no, I don't want to be honest anymore. I shouldn't have to always be the one putting the effort in. Someone should put the effort in for me one of these days. And if you want this to continue, it should be you before someone else does. (Fat chance on both counts.)