Friends With Bens

Alternatively titled: So, You Want to Fuck Without Having to Admit You Have Feelings.

Ahh, the FWB relationship. Whoops, sorry, can't use the word "relationship" here. That would defeat the purpose. (Psst, FYI, any connection between two people is called a "relationship." Deal with it.)

I don't want to assume everyone has heard of this situation (though, there are a few movies out there to help bring you up to date). A "Friends With Benefits" (or "FWB") relationship (not to be confused with "Fuck Buddies") is made up of two people - already with a history of friendship with one another - who mutually decide to add a physical aspect to their relationship. (Just to be sure everyone's clear, the "benefits" we speak of, yes, are sexual. This isn't like, Friends With Financial Benefits. That situation will be discussed in a later entry titled "Sugar Daddys.")

I was born in the '80s, so all I have to rely on for the following statement is movies and a large number of elders saying, "That's not how we did it in my day," but it seems like before my generation came along, when a boy kissed a girl (they weren't making homosexuals yet, obviously*), it meant he liked her. A kiss really meant something, whether it was that he was in love or maybe just wanted to "go steady," but it meant something. You knew that when a boy leaned over and his lips hit yours, shit was about to go down. NO, not sex. Show some respect for the Old Days. I mean relationship-blooming shit.

The idea has lingered only in movies and TV shows, of course. You know when there's an onscreen kiss, BOOM, relationship'd. You immediately know there are feelings involved and someone's going to be pregnant by the end of the season, on purpose or not. Ok, that went a little off topic, but you know they'll be together. Because that's what kissing should mean. And maybe it still does, but no one wants to admit it anymore.

To say I am familiar with the FWB relationship is a disturbingly sad understatement. The purpose of FWB is N'Sync-style action: No Strings Attached. If you're involved with a FWB, it seems to be very simple and clean until you realize that the meaning of everything you're doing becomes severely blurred. And let me tell you: eventually, it will blur.

Let's start with the rules. Rules are very important for Friends With Benefits because they keep everyone safe, right? Ha. Hahaha. Sorry, moving on.

Rule #1. There is no fight club.
 ..Wait, sorry, wrong list...

Rule #1. There are no rules.
Yup. Sorry. Everyone makes 'em up.
People try all kinds of FWB rules to try to keep control over the situation and save everyone from getting hurt in the end. Rules that attempt to smother possible emotion (i.e. no kissing on the mouth, no looking each other in the eye during sex, no anal beads), avoid crossing the "couple" line (no holding hands or other forms of PDA), and deter spending too much time together to back up the other two (no spending the night, having breakfast or Sunday morning strolls through Lifestyles). But it's all bullshit and no two FWB have the same rules because - like any couple - no two FWB relationships are the same.

Oh, there are so many different forms of FWB. Check it:

The "I have a girlfriend on the West Coast, but it's long distance so you can fill in" FWB.
The "We used to date and I still want to be with you but titles freak me out" FWB.
The "I have a girlfriend I live with, but I don't want to tell you about her" FWB.
The "I have to pretend I follow 'Bro Code' so no one can know about this" FWB.
The "Our relationship is non-compliant with our professional relationship" FWB.

All of these guys are (eh, were) very good friends of mine. All of them were friends that I hung out with, went out with, talked to, and hooked up with. The only thing that kept it from becoming something worthy of a label was whatever crap I wrote in the middle. Yes, some of that crap sets you up for a crappy relationship (i.e. not telling a girl about your girlfriend back at the apartment), but that's not the point. The point is that there were feelings with all of those guys and it was just a matter of commitment (and Grade-A douchebaggery).

So why do people do it?

1) People want to get laid. Relationships are hard to come by and involve meeting, dating, talking, and other time-consuming acts. FWB is involves, "You know, you're attractive. We should sleep together." Done. Not always smart, but seemingly easy to the naked eye. (Ha.)

2) Girl's think it makes them look totally carefree and laid back. There's a rumor going around that all girls are fucking crazy. And that's kind of true, from a guy's point of view. I mean, we get more emotional, we become more attached, it's just in our genetic makeup. BUT, if we're like, "Yeah, let's totally screw around, no strings attached," we think we're painting ourselves in a more down-to-earth light. Here's the math: Sex - (Emotions + Attachment + Jealousy + Titles) = - Crazy and awesome girlfriend traits.

3) We want to sleep with our hot friends. If you have hot friends, I'm automatically calling shenanigans if you try to tell me you've never fantasized about them. Who wouldn't love to actually have that opportunity?

4) People think it'll be a gateway to dating. And a lot of times, it is. If you're friends with someone, trust them enough to sleep with them, still like hanging out with them after, and you're both fairly sane human beings, you're not in a bad spot to move forward together.

5) People want to get laid. Legit.

So, what's the issue?

We're human. Human beings connect, emotionally, when we least want to. It's how we roll.
Despite laying down the N'Sync Law, we start to get in our own heads. It doesn't take long. Sometimes a few months, sometimes a week. I know we said this doesn't mean anything, but who kisses someone like that and doesn't mean it? And, We're in public and he's holding my hand. Does he want people to think we're together?

Everything becomes questionable. Everything starts to get over-analyzed.
Even worse, if that kiss doesn't mean anything, how are you supposed to know when a kiss does? What's the difference between the "I want to be with you kiss" and the "I want to be in your pants" kiss? Is there one?

And finally, there's Chicken.

The game of Chicken sounds like this out loud:

Friend 1: "That chick over there is totally hot. I have a crush on her."
Friend 2: "Dude, she totally is. Go talk to her. I ain't got no probs with that."

And sounds like this inside their heads:

Friend 1: I wonder if she'd be jealous if I talked about another chick...
Friend 2: Be cool. Jealousy is not cool. Be fucking cool. Act like you don't give a shit. Ugh, please don't talk to her.

Sound familiar?

And Chicken.. well, I've never won a game of Chicken. I'm not sure anyone really wins Chicken.

The only safe way out of FWB is honesty. I hear you groaning, I know. Easier said than done, of course, considering honesty involves showing emotion which goes against everyone's made-up rules of FWB. Whether it's, "Hey, I actually want to be with you" or "Listen, I don't think we should do this anymore," it really kills the carefree mentality of FWB. That's when things get - as Facebook would say - complicated. But the truth of the matter is that if you're in a FWB, shit's about to get complicated no matter how you go at it. Pun intended.

At that point, you either end up growing a metaphorical pair and committing, or you break-up.

Wait, "break-up?" There was no relationship!
There was. And 9 out of 10** FWB relationships end in an often messy break-up, just like a normal relationship. So ask yourself this: who are you really fooling?



*I hope you recognize this is a joke.
**This statistic has no scientific evidence to back it up.