I got to thinking...

I wish someone had told me that my life WAS going to be like Sex and the City.

I'm reminded of a scene from The Newsroom, that new Aaron Sorkin show that everyone [loved/hated]. One of the main characters finds herself in front of a Sex and the City tour bus in New York, ranting about her love life, when the object of her affection steps off the bus, declares his love, and kisses her. Aw, life is just like Sex and the City - quirky, filled with grand gestures and serendipitous moments, brimming with men to love.

Yeah. My life is like the episodes of Sex and the City where you get dumped on a Post-It Note.

Bitter, sarcastic bitch.

"You're awfully sarcastic tonight," he says and tries to look jokingly wounded but I know he's really not pleased with me.
"Sorry," I respond. I know when he says that I've crossed a line. He says "sarcastic," but I'm fully aware that's code for "a bitch." I tell him I can't help it, which is kind of true. I feel terrible, but I can't tell him why I'm really doing it.

It's always been a bit of a habit of mine, but I wasn't always really a bitch. It's grown into that over time. I've been taught to be a bitch by the guys who listen to me lay all my cards out and give me nothing in return. So I don't owe you assholes anything.

I am not your mother.

That seems like a common enough phrase in a relationship. The reason being, of course, we tend to date people that remind us of those that we grew up with and -- even more so -- were raised by. It's very common and even played off of in regular sitcoms. Men to tend to lean toward women who, even on a subconscious level, remind them of their mothers. Likewise, women tend to lean toward men who remind them of strong male role models in their lives.

However, as much as they may love the women in their lives, old habits of dealing with family conflict become too apparent.

Online Dating: The New Way to OD.

I. Hate. Online dating.
Hate it. It totally sucks is not for me.

I'm a face-to-face kind of person. I've never even liked talking on the phone all that much. And call me old fashioned, but I absolutely refuse to have any form of a serious discussion via text or Gchat. Will not do it.

Here's my beef with online dating: you get a picture, some facts, and some creepy messages. And, what, attraction grows? Maybe I'm doing this wrong. Are you supposed to just go out on dates based solely on whether or not your facts line up, or do people actually form feelings over the internet based on some Times New Romance chatting? I don't buy it.

Is _____ Considered Cheating?

There are two things wrong with this question:

• If you have to ask, there's about a 90% chance you're doing something wrong.

• Cheating seems to be a pretty cut-and-dry concept: if you're having some form of sexual relationship with someone who is not the person you're committed to (any form, even if it doesn't include an act specifically deemed as sex itself), you are cheating. However, there are plenty of things you can do that may not fit that description but are certainly considered disrespectful to your partner. You should stop doing those things as well, or get out of the relationship.

Here is your basic guide so you never have to ask that freaking question again. Print it out. Put it in your wallet. Whatever, but do yourself a favor and put the anxiety to rest already.

1) If you have to ask yourself if something you’re doing is cheating or disrespectful, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

2) If you would not feel comfortable telling your significant other what you're doing, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

3) If the tables were turned and your significant other were doing what you’re doing, would you be pissed? If yes, you guessed it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

4) If your genitals came in contact with any body part of someone who is not your significant other (aside from medical staff), that shit is straight up cheating.

5) However, if you're fantasizing about someone else but would never act on it (especially if it's someone like Mila Kunis and you don't have a snowball's shot in Hell), you're safe. We all fantasize. Anything that happens in your head and strictly stays in there is safe.

If you still aren’t sure, you’re probably in denial.
You also probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. Jussayin'.

Mature Adult Going On 12.

Most people experience their first crush somewhere around their preteens. I don't mean thinking a boy is cute on the playground and chasing him behind the slide, or that crush in 3rd grade where you share your gummy snacks with the boy that sits next to you, but no one else.

I mean the crush that gives meaning to the word "crush." That chest-crushing, lung-strangling, have-to-have-him-or-I'll-die crush when we're just starting to understand the magnitude of our feelings, but not quite what they're capable of.

Then, we hit puberty. And that's the point that I think our brains stop developing as far as our response to our attractions go.

The Secret Relationship: Fun or Self-Sabotage?

I'd like to preface this by stating that I have never been in a secret relationship where someone didn't get hurt. Usually it's me, but outsiders have fallen victim.

The reason is obvious: if a relationship has to be a secret, someone's feelings are at stake.

Often times, people will tell you me that if it has to be a secret, you shouldn't be doing it. People love to share their opinions about everything that doesn't have to do with them, but they do kind of have a point. It's true... sometimes. I mean, if what you're doing is a secret because you don't want his girlfriend to find out, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Fair.

Friends With Bens

Alternatively titled: So, You Want to Fuck Without Having to Admit You Have Feelings.

Ahh, the FWB relationship. Whoops, sorry, can't use the word "relationship" here. That would defeat the purpose. (Psst, FYI, any connection between two people is called a "relationship." Deal with it.)

I don't want to assume everyone has heard of this situation (though, there are a few movies out there to help bring you up to date). A "Friends With Benefits" (or "FWB") relationship (not to be confused with "Fuck Buddies") is made up of two people - already with a history of friendship with one another - who mutually decide to add a physical aspect to their relationship. (Just to be sure everyone's clear, the "benefits" we speak of, yes, are sexual. This isn't like, Friends With Financial Benefits. That situation will be discussed in a later entry titled "Sugar Daddys.")

1 Relationship, A Million Opinions

Pop quiz: if two people are in a relationship, how many people should have an opinion on it?

If you're bad at math, the answer is two. And if you're bad at logic, it's only the two people in the relationship.

Here's the thing: your relationship is no one else's bidnis. (If you're bad at bad English, that's "business.") Sure, people are going to try to tell you it is, but it's definitely not.

The Rules of Nature

I'm a control freak. I really am. I'm aware of it and I'm working on it, but I start to have little anxiety attacks when I feel out of control of a situation or - even more so - my environment.

However, here's the truth: everyone wants to be in control. I'm not sure I would title every person as a "control freak," but everyone wants to think they have control of situations that they really don't. So, we apply rules to everything. Every type of relationships is riddled with titles, rules and boundaries. And if you're one of those people that is "so laid back" and "doesn't care for titles," you're putting your own boundaries on it to try to keep control and I don't even want to hear it.

Why can't people just... connect?! However they want to, on their own terms. Who cares?